GET LOST, AND FIND YOURSELF

At this moment  I just want to say thank you to my parents For building me up with love and care. And ah gong I miss you   so much 二十三岁了 阿公走了1年4个月 2016年3月18日 被大学宿舍的委员邀请担任音乐室开幕仪式的表演嘉宾， 很轻松的只是前一晚稍微练了一下，就演出了 后来收到的赞美和羡慕 那一刻不是满满的自豪或威风，而是打从心底对父母的感谢 家里从不是富裕的，但父母还是坚持把3个孩子从小送去学音乐，学钢琴 从初级班学到第八级，花的钱足够让他俩过上好日子，去环游世界，住好房子，买名牌 但他们选择牺牲了那些享受，用他们的血汗钱供我们三姐弟的学费和考费 中途的叛逆和迷失，好几次的差一点弃学，父母始终没有放弃，拿着藤鞭逼着我练琴 还有阿公 带着小小的我们走去上课，再去接我们下课 永远的忠实听众和支持者，总会鼓励我们练琴，每每弹完一曲都会拍手叫好 坐在躺椅上，我永远都知道阿公在背后欣赏着 为什么当时就想不到多年后这些简单的幸福都会失去 岁月把我带大，让你老去，让你生病，我还在追求着自以为重要的，偶像，朋友，男盆友，没想到你的癌细胞一点一点的在扩大在蔓延，越来越痛，越来越接近离开，我居然那么无知。 岁月在流逝，请原谅我，你的小辣椒，你的小妹，没有好好孝顺你，多陪陪你，谢谢你。 我知道现在你只是在比我高一点的地方，我会好好的，就如你希望的。有来生的话，让我好好孝敬你。

I just can’t bring myself to do that, to study. I mean really committed into studying, the desire to seek for knowledge, to discover what’s behind that cover is not from within my heart, is the fear for knowing nothing during exam. I felt alienated when I talked to my peers, it felt like we were so different, like every single of them actually knowing what they are getting themselves into. I didn’t see panic in their eyes. I tried to search for it, but there’s none, which took me to this realization that I am the only one lost in this unknown. Well maybe not all of them, but I am far more worse. I thought I looked like a mess, which I did. Even when I am writing this I question myself, why am I even doing this in the middle of preparation for the next paper while everyone is out there studying their brains off, getting themselves ready and armed. Every time I felt so lost to the point I thought I was going to drown and hit the bottom of the sea, which I am always so keen to find out. ...